Mr. Bill's Adventureland
OK silly Zorkanian adventurers, you start the game just outside of Port Foozle. This is a really fun and nifty port town that is now controlled by the inquisition.. JOY!!! You'll notice to your left is a blue glow. Go in this direction. Once in town, you'll see a speaker. Turn this bad boy UP!!! All the way!! Then, turn a little to your left and you'll see a fish and a can of mead. Wait till the bum starts talking again, then grab the can. You'll get the plastic soda thingy too. If you turn left a bit more, you'll see another blue glow by the docks. Yep, head out onto the docks. On the docks is a really big hook. Look closely at the hook, and put the plastic soda thingy on the hook, and then pull the lever. A big chest will plop itself onto the dock, grab the lantern out of it, and head back into town. Find the shop that has the sign on it that says "Lantern Repair". Choose the lantern from your inventory, and click it on the door. Jack will open the door and bring you in. While he's off looking for his tools, grab a cigar from the counter. He'll come back and then kick you out without your lantern. Head to the end of town. There you will see a barrel, and a stand with Inquisitor dolls. Get close to the stand, and use your trusty and cancer-causing cigar and burn that doll!!! Who needs an Inquisitor doll anyway! Then, quickly turn around and jump into the barrel. Once the guards have taken Jack off, head back to his shop and grab your lantern. You can play with his computer, but I haven't figured out if there is a point to it. Head back out of town now, and when you reach the loud speaker outside of town, make a right and head up to the Frobozz Electric Company. To your left you'll see a big sign telling you how many poor souls have been totemized. On this sign is a nifty rope. Grab it, and head on back down to the loud speaker. Turn right and head to the well. Attach your rope to the well, and jump on in. Now the fun begins!!! Oh..... insert disc 2 now...
Once in the well, the lantern talks to you, and soon a nifty lady appears and gives you a spellbook. Before you go through the door, look right. You'll see a bucket. Look in the bucket and grab the subway token! Get close to the door in front of you and cast the Rezrov spell on it. Move forward again, and a nifty dragon thingy takes you down into the Great Underground Empire (GUE). Turn left, and you'll see a "Break In Case of Emergency" box. Open the box and take the hammer. Then... Close the box and smash the glass: now you can take the sword and map. A bit more to your left is the elusive umbrella tree. You can cast the Igram spell on it's purple blossoms and see that there is a scroll inside one. You can't get this scroll now, so turn around and you will see this little thingy on the ground. It's a TOTEM!!! Grab it, and now you have your first totem (he was once a dragon you know). Move forward to the intersection. Make a left, and you'll be at a door that is overgrown with rank undergrowth. Hack your way through with your sword, and go on through the door. Now, to your right is a little shack... kinda looks like an outhouse to me..... but fear not! It's not an outhouse. Open it up and grab yourself a shovel and your first scroll... it's the Throck spell, to be exact. Turn back around and go back into the cavern. At the intersection, make a left and head up to the closed door. Once again, express yourself magically by casting the Rezrov spell on the door. Once you head through the door you'll see some pillars. These are actually puzzles. On the first pillar, match up the 3 volcano related pieces and you'll go on to the 2nd pillar. Oh... to the right of the first pillar is a sign that says... "Don't Throck the grass". Take this advice and don't do it. On the 2nd pillar, the top piece is the one with the Z on top. Match up the other 2, and head on to the 3rd pillar. The 3rd pillar can be solved by making a window. Once it is solved, go through this newly made window. CONGRATULATIONS!!! You're now in GUE Tech.
For now, simply turn around and go out the door... not the window. You'll go outside, and be on the other side of the pit in front of the 3rd pillar. Turn around, and you'll notice that GUE Tech is now gone. Go up the steps to the big old pile of dirt. Yep, use the shovel. Grab the Kendall scroll. On the left is a teleporter. Use this to get back to the crossroads quickly. To use it, simply put your map in the slot and choose your destination and then back out. Voila!! Your back at the crossroads. Now the fun begins. Turn right and head toward the Great Underground Subway! Pop your subway token into the slot and head down into the subway. Inside the subway, you'll find a pushbutton board on the wall. Press buttons for awhile, but this actually accomplishes nothing. Cast the Kendall spell on it, and now pressing a button will actually do something. Select Hades as your destination, then step out onto the platform to get picked up by the subway train.
Once in Hades, head down to your right. There is a dead guy here. In his hand is a lotto ticket. He really doesn't need it anymore, so take it from him, and now we'll try to make some money. Go into the inventory screen (right click of the mouse), and put the ticket on the magic viewer. Save your game at this point. One square on the ticket is a different color than the rest. You have to follow the path to play. You'll notice this different square path is leading in one direction. Right now you have only one choice. Click on the square that the path leads into. This process continues until you get to the money bag in the middle. Once again: SAVE before you start to play. (SOLUTION FOLLOWS: Start on the different colored square. Go Up 1, Left 1, Up 2 more, Left 1, Up 1 more, Left 2 more, Down 1, Left 2 more, Down 1, Left 1, Down 2 more, Right 1, Down 2 more, Right 2 more, Up 1, Right 1, Up 2 more, Left 1, Up 1) Once you win, take your 500 zorkmid bill and put it into your inventory. Continue into Hades. On your left is another teleport machine. Use it now and go back to GUE Tech. Go down the stairs and into the window, and thus back into GUE Tech. Once in GUE Tech, to your left you will see vending machines. Head on over to these, and locate the change machine. Cash that 500 zorkmid bill and get 500 zorkmids. Once you've got your zorkmids, go to the ice-cream machine on your left. Pop in a zorkmid, and open the far right slot. You'll get the Obidil scroll. You can't quite use this spell yet, but hold onto it for you health. Behind you is the candy machine. Run up to this bad boy, and pop in a zorkmid and press number 8. DANG IT ALL!!! your candy is stuck... never fear!! we have permasuck! Back up from the machine, and then click on the opening that you would normally get your candy from. Attach the permasuck (it's the item you started the game with) and turn it on. Then retrieve your candy from the permasuck. Now we have ZorkRocks. Now, on the opposite side of the fountain from the door of GUE Tech, is the INFINITE CORRIDOR (big deep narrator's voice here). If you go down the corridor now.. you'll go on forever. That's why they call it the infinite hallway. So, let's cheat a little. Stand just outside the doorway to the hallway, and look up. Notice the sign? It's purple... that's right, cast the Igram spell on the infinite portion of the sign. Ain't that just quaint. Now we can go on down the hallway. But don't wait too long or it will change back into an infinite corridor again.
Partway down the hallway are some lockers. There are 2 lockers you really need to get into: lockers 6 and 11. They are numbered from top left to bottom right. Just like the buttons on that old candy machine... hey, ain't that a coincidence?? Not really... let's go back to the candy machine. Pop in a zorkmid and press button 11. Candy didn't come out, that's OK we're not hungry for stale candy anyway. Now, go to the lockers. Hey, locker 11 is open!! Grab the ProZork tablet, then Read over carefully the info on making spells and how to time travel. You'll need this info later. If they seem confusing use the Kendall spell on the books to simplify their instructions. Go back over to the soda machine and put your ZorkRocks in its cup holding area. Put in a zorkmid and press the Blam Classic button. Run on back to the lockers, and put the ZorkRocks into locker 6 via the slot in its front. Back up and watch the fun. Once it blows, grab the ID card from it. Put your ID card in the card slot of the box next to the door across from the lockers. Enter the spell lab. Now in front of you is a big old nasty invisible thingy with 6 swords. Draw your sword and prepare to attack him valiantly!! Actually... Cut the rope on the bridge... Problem solved... well kinda. Now it seems we have no way to get over to the lab... Well ain't that quaint!! There's a teleport machine here! Use it to get back into the subway. I personally go to Hades, then to the subway station control panel and push the button to Flood Control Dam #3. First thing to do there is to use the souvenir zorkmid press on your left to get a letter opener. Look for a water drain. In the drain is some moss. Cast the Throck spell on the moss and grab it for later. Now, head down to the other end of the subway station to the FCD #3 controls. Near them is a book. Open the book and get the Golgatem scroll. Now, for the fun. Turn to the controls. The object is to close all the gates. But... in their current state that cannot be accomplished with the buttons alone. However, with a little magic.. Rezrov specifically, we can open all of the doors at the same time and then with the buttons close all of them at the same time. Once they're all closed, head on back to GUE Tech and to the Spell Lab.
Next step: Cast Golgatem on the area where the old bridge used to be in front of the Spell Lab. Voila!! Instant Bridge. Cross the bridge, and to the right of the Replication Machine is a box of empty scrolls. Grab one and let's start making a spell. If you read the book in locker 11 carefully or used the Kendall spell on it, you'll find that there is only one possible solution. Use the scroll in the machines in this order: Origination, Modification, Replication, Interpretation, and Transmogrification. Ok, now on to the spell checker. Run the spell you just made through the spell checker, and you'll now have the Beburtt spell. Remember that scroll you got in the ice cream machine? Run that one through the spellchecker too and you'll also get the Obidil spell. The Beburtt spell is good for creating the illusion of inclement weather. So, let's go back to the Crossroads, and back to that elusive umbrella tree. Cast the Beburtt spell on it and get the scroll from its grasp. The spell you get is Zimdor. It triples quantities of beer, and thus can't be added to your spellbook. Now we go over to the Dungeon Master's house.... remember the rank undergrowth? Ok, once at his place, take a look in his garden. Look for the snapdragons. Cute, aren't they? Take the DM's advice and feed him the ProZork pill. Then pull out your old trusty sword and cut him off. Once in front of the DM's house, make a right and go behind his house. Below the window in back of his house is a mushroom of sorts. Cast the Throck spell on this mushroom, at least twice, so it grows to full size. Put the snapdragon on the springplant (mushroom). Hit the springplant with the hammer, and watch as your friend gets you a scroll piece. Ok, now back to the DM's security system. You gotta get rid of this guy. Put the can of mead into the birdbath and then use the Zimdor scroll on it. Then put the cigar in the ashtray to the left. Watch as our good friend Mr Security finds out how great it is to party!!!
Time to go into his house. Listen to the DM's phone messages, you'll hear that one of them is a recipe for cocoa. You really want some at this point. Matter of fact... if I had some in my house, I'd go get some. Check all his shelves until you have: fudge, lard, fireflies. Then, get the cup off of the vine near the tree-looking thing in the corner to the left of the door. Go back outside and shove that lard into the bee's nest. After the bees have gone away, remove the lard and then use the sword once more to slash open the hive. Grab the honey and go back inside. Put the fudge, lard, honey, fireflies, and cup on the tree machine. Doesn't seem to be doing anything?? Remember that moss you got back at FCD #3?? Pop that on the machine and you now have cocoa and the Yastard spell. However, Yastard alone is useless. Go over to the bamboo curtain on the other side of the house, and open it. Cute little castle. Cast the Obidil spell on the castle. Now that he's over by the window, go on inside. Take a good look at his heart. Great, now we have the Narwile spell and everything that we need to go through the first time portal. Go into the DM's bedroom. Above his bed is the other half of the torn scroll. Put them on the viewing board together.. no luck... it's backwards you say?? Ok then, Act like Alice and go through the looking glass. Then put them on the viewer together. That's better. You can run back to the spell lab now, or later, to repair this spell. I'll do it later. I usually like to put things off anyway. Go back through the mirror, and look at the DM's closet. Open it, and you'll see a closed time tunnel. Cast the Narwile spell on it and it will open. Next go into your inventory screen (right click of mouse) and cast the Yastard spell on your totem.
Time travel is great! You'll notice you have nothing in your inventory, and no... you cannot take things back through time with you! Go down the right side of the little white house. Leaning against the house is a scroll!! Grab this thing and take it back to the mailbox. Open the mailbox and get the envelope. Look at the envelope closely so you know where it's going (address). Then put the scroll in it and close it up. Put the envelope in the mailbox and close the box. Don't forget to put up the flag! Now go back through the time tunnel. Head to the spell lab and run the torn scroll Snavig through the spell checker. Now you have the Snavig spell. Off to Hell!! Hades, that is!!
Once your back at hell... like anyone would really want to go back... anyway.. your first trial is the Hades Shuttle Courtesy Phone. You can try to figure out all the button pushing etc, and you can actually solve the whole thing, but it is so much easier to cast Kendall on the phone and then follow that ONE (and only one) instruction. Soon the shuttle will be along. Give Charon 2 zorkmids and he'll give you a ride. Once there, turn around and cast the Snavig spell on Charon. Walk towards the 2 headed beast. They'll think you are Charon, and will move out of the way. Grab Charon's time card and clock out. Once inside, you'll hear Brog talking about rocks.... I've told him time and time again that they were bad.... ummmm never mind. Look around and Pick up his totem. Step back outside the gate and grab your mail. Pop the letter on the viewer, and open it with the letter opener you got at FCD #3. Now you have the Glorf spell.
Now, go back into Hell, through the gate, and you will see another time tunnel. Move as close to it as you can, then cast the Narwile spell on the time tunnel. Next, cast the Yastard spell on the dragon totem and send him on his way. Insert Disc 1 now. Now you're in the nifty dragon realm. At first you'll have only one choice of direction to fly, so fly on over to the dragon's foot. Pull on his big toe a couple of times and his belly will rise up out of the water. Fly up to his belly now, and in a crate on his belly are two inflatable things. Take them. Over toward your left is the dragon's right hand. Fly to this and grab the air pump. Fly back to his belly, and then fly up to his head. Shove the two inflatable things into the dragons nostrils. The poor dragon can still breath, so pump up those inflatable toys. Now his head will rise up out of the ocean, and you can fly into his mouth. Once inside his mouth, you'll hear someone yelling for help. Move farther into his mouth, and grab the coconut from that hangy-down thingy. The old man in the dragon's stomach will throw you a rope. You can be nice and try to help him, but he will fall to his death. Up to you though. Anyway take the rope. Now turn around and grab the gold tooth. Look up toward the dragon's nostrils and find the one that has the red raft. Put the coconut in this raft. Fly back outside the dragon's mouth and use the rope to tie the two inflatable things together. Go back inside and look up toward the nostrils again, this time look for the blue man. Pop the blue man with the tooth, and quickly fly back outside. You'll automatically fly back to his belly. Turn around and you'll see the red raft poking out from the other side of his belly. Fly over to it and grab the coconut. A very familiar castle will pop up out of the water. You'll go inside. Place the coconut on one of the floating resting places. Now there will be a time tunnel at the entrance to the castle. Use this now to return to the future. Insert Disc 2 now.
You're back in hell again. You need to get out, but Charon won't take you. This time, cast the Snavig spell on the two-headed creature, and hop into Charon's boat. Use the teleport machine and go back to the crossroads. Go toward the umbrella tree, and go back up to the well you first entered through. Don't climb up the rope, but cast the Glorf spell on it, and now you'll have a nice strong rope. Go back to the subway, and choose Monastery as your destination. Once at the Monastery subway station, walk over toward the teleport machine. Look up and you'll see a vent in the ceiling. Go into your inventory screen. Put the sword on the viewer, and then use the rope on the sword, thusly tying them together. Then use your newly made contraption on the vent, and you'll soon find yourself inside the Monastery.
Monastery room: You see before you a great totemization machine. There is a panel... oh sorry, forgot myself... thought I was writing a text adventure. Anyway, there really is a panel. Look closely at the panel, and hit the button next to "To Hall of Inquisition". Walk around to the side of the machine. Look closely at the section with all the wheels that you can turn. Turn the wheel that is on the post with the green light on top. After turning this, the light will go off. Walk farther down the machine, and you'll see another control panel. Pull the switch and enjoy the nearly complete process of totemization. You'll end up in the next room. Turn around and look at the bin you landed in, and grab your third totem. Exit the building through the front door (not the door close to the bin, but the door with a sign next to it). To your left is the ZT&T machine. Press the button and open it. It will print a message about capturing the goatfish. Pull the middle hammer and give all those Inquisition guards the night off. With this nice mallet, head back into the building. Locate the exhibit on "Closing the Time Tunnels". Pull the lever on the right toward you as far as it will go. Then press the nifty red button. Watch as the poor robo guy breaks his little hammer. Be nice, and give him a great big mallet (the one you pulled from the ZT&T machine) and press the button again. Now with the tunnel open, cast Narwile and send your third totem on through. Oh... Please Insert Disc 1.
Welcome to the Port Foozle of the past. Turn around and notice that it's Ladies Night at the local bar. Go on in. Walk in and back toward the bar. Turn around and Grab the 4 cards from the Alpines Quandry game. Move back toward the door, and turn right. Go toward the dart board, and slap that nasty fly with card number 4. Now you'll have a 5 card. Go back to the Alpines Quandry game, and Insert the card so the equation reads: 5 divided by 1 minus 3 equals 2. You'll head to the back room to play Strip Grue-Fire-Water. Take a seat to begin the game. I've found it to be random, so save before you begin. Play until you win, and you'll get the cube. If your not happy with random games, click on the shadow of Jack behind the curtain....I know I know, it sounds crazy, but don't forget, this cute little lady is a psychic of sorts! Once again a certain cute little castle will appear. Place the cube on a pad and exit and go back to the future (pun intended of course). Yet again... Please Insert Disc 2.
Now we're back in the present. One more mystical item to go... Head to the DM's house.!! This time, send Brog through the time tunnel. Turn around and head toward the cave where you see fire. Grab the nice torch (on the right), not the grumpy one (on the left), and go back to the house. Have Brog pull on the boards nailed to the front door. He'll get them off the door. Go into the house, and down the stairs. At the bottom, you find eggs and rocks. Have Brog take all the eggs, and eat as many rocks as he likes. Go back up the stairs. At the top is a little pot, heat it with the torch and then one by one place the eggs into it until they turn a nice golden color. Now, head on back down the stairs. Turn left, and off in the distance you'll see your goal. Take an egg, and throw it at your goal. A bunch of stalactites will fall from the ceiling. You will now be able to move in the direction of your goal. Once there one could spend many hours trying to solve the chess puzzle, or just have Brog smash the whole thing with the board he pulled off the door. Grab the skull. Yep, cute little castle again. Place the skull in the last open spot, and return to modern day. Uhhhh yeah, Insert Disc 1 again.
Now you're in jail!! Head over to the vent on the wall and click on it several times to get Jack's attention until he gives you a Lexdom scroll. Use the letter opener to remove the screws, and claim the scroll. On the opposite wall is a poster. Grab this and insert it under the door. Use the Lexdom scroll on the door. Now pull out your trusty letter opener, and push the key through the lock. Pull the poster back from under the door, and BOOM!! There it is. Use the key to open the door and get out of your cell. Go out of the cell and make a left. You'll see a control station. Choose the settings of 31AB. Press the button only when you see Jack waving on the monitor. This should set Jack free!!
Now you're at FlatHead Mesa!! You'll get the Booznik scroll from the enchantress. Use this on your spellbook so all your spells are reversed. Run into the castle, and grab the 3 mystical artifacts. Go back outside and move toward the tower. Be careful of the tent. Get close to it, and now cast the Vorzer spell on the tent to lock the guards in. Next, move closer toward the tower, but not too close. There is a nifty invisible electric fence here. Cast the Margi spell on the fence, and it'll now be purple. Step back and take a look to the left. It's a cute purple plug. Pull it!!!! Now use your sword yet again to hack a nice hole in the big purple fence. At the base of the tower is the first location to place a magical item. Place the skull inside and climb up to the next location. Place the cube here. Climb the rest of the way up. Place the coconut on one end and then place the lantern in the other end as a counter balance. Look up and you'll see a cable. Cut this cable with the sword and watch the Inquisitor get pissed. Now, before he can get to you, cast the Maxov spell on the top round piece of the tower or on the coconut!!
Congratulations!! You have just successfully completed Zork Grand Inquisitor.
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